# All these Bad Jokes are yours, except Europa. Attempt no Deleted Nonsense there.

But if want it please message me.

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Reference to 2010: Odyssey Two by Arthur C. Clarke.

## The Church of Zyegot

On the 1st day, Ponegativus created the world and all that is on the world. He created the world, the light and the dark, the water and the air, the people and the animals... and the breakfast cereals. And the cereals were quite good, because 2%, 1% and skim milk had yet to have been invented. And the only cereals were Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Lucky Charms (but only the marshmallows). The parents were angry. They cried unto Ponegativus, "why have you created these unhealthy cereals!?" And in his infinite wisdom, Ponegative created the different types of milk, put cereal with the marshmallows, and cursed Cinnamon Toast Crunch with a bad marketing team... And all was well.

On the 2nd day, Ponegativus said, "Let their be more light!". And Chuck Norris replied, "Say please".

I now take this time to refer you to a list of funny words:

Banana Bowling Ball Broccoli Chia-pet Chicken Corn Cow Crusty Dastardly Donald Trump Emu Eskimo Fluffy Frugal Frumpy Goat Goulash Grunion Hardy Jell-O mold Loaf Monkey + (anything) Mutant Pants Prune Smörgåsbord Sock puppet Sparkle Spiffy Spork Strudel Waffle iron Weasel

Now back to the book.

Thus is the way thine morning cornflakes came to be.

## From Green Day and Neo Nazism

Harmless Punk Band, or followers of Hitler?

The rock band Green Day, and their relation to Neo Nazism

### Confession

Green Day member Tré Cool admitted in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine that these accusations were true in the June 2004 issue (article 24 pg. 9). Shortly after his interview was published, lead singer Billie Joe confirmed the information, and then blatently stated his hate for Jews, Muslims, Catholics, and Indians in an interview with CNN that was never aired due to his use of profanity. The third member of Green Day, Mike Dirnt, still refuses to aknowledge either of the confessions, saying "No comment." every time he is asked by a media figure.

• "I always have hated them Jews and their Fascist ********. I hate the Arabs even more to be honest though. They are so behind in technology it's ridiculous...We've also hated George Bush for his inablity to reacte with the Jewish takeover of the media. You see we now know that he's utilizing them to help keep himself in office...

-Tre Cool interview with Rolling Stone

### Song Lyrics

When Trê Cool admitted to being a Neo Nazi, he included a detailed analysis of his song lyrics, and their true meanings. He admitted the lyrics of Boulevard of Broken dreams are actually about Adolf Hitler walking alone through the streets of a destroyed Polish city with a large Jewish population. The song American Idiot also provokes an anti-American message.

The Song "When I Come Around" was meant to be interpreted as Hitler taunting fearful Jews to not cry, becuase he will soon arrive to kill them. In the song "Reject"(Nimrod) the lyrics contain the words,"To Hell and back to Hell again, you're not my type, your not my type(refering to Jews), I do what I want and you do what your told". "Nice Guys Finish Last" contains the lyrics "Nice guys finish last, your running out of gas", which refers to a Holocaust victim holding on to their last breath of air, while being gassed.

"Having a blast" is a narrative in which the author states "I won't listen to anyone's last words", reffering to Hitler's final moments.another part of the song says"There's nothind left for you to say. Soon you'll be dead anyway," which Tre says is really Hitler speaking to his next victims. With these hidden song meanings Green Day has been able to manipulate its listeners into hearing their Neo Nazi message.

### Dress

The band holds true to their Neo-Nazi values in their dress as well. They make sure to wear red and black (the colors of the Nazi flag) at all their concerts, and wear ties to mock American government officals. Their "heart like a hand grenade" symbol is also a Neo Nazi symbol, utilizing the grenade symbol for war, and the heart symbol for love. The symbol is supposed to show the hate and violence they have in their hearts for minorities.

### References

• Rolling Stone Magazine, article 24 pg. 9 June 2004 issue.
• CNN.com/unairedmaterial
• Negro Haters Magazine pg. 42 November 2004
• Anti Semantic Monthly issue 13 August 2004

## Future US Presidents

The following table summarizes U.S. presidents after President George W. Bush and ending with the 54th president.

 Order President Term started Term ended 44th George Allen January 20, 2009 January 20, 2013 45th Evan Bayh January 20, 2013 January 20, 2017 46th Tim Pawlenty January 20, 2017 January 20, 2021 47th Stephanie Herseth January 20, 2021 January 20, 2025 48st Jon Howland January 20, 2025 January 20, 2033 49nd Jacob Reimer January 20, 2033 January 20, 2037 50rd Kirk Michel January 20, 2037 January 20, 2041 51th George Keese January 20, 2041 January 20, 2049 52th Norman Hall January 20, 2049 January 20, 2053 53th Rob Gavilan January 20, 2053 January 20, 2061 54th Pete Slayton January 20, 2061 January 20, 2069

The colors indicate political party affiliation of the president. Keeping with current donations, red donates Republican and blue donates Democrat.

...Pawlenty?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What, no Schwarzenegger? 22:44, 10 February 2006 (UTC)

## Train-A-Tron

(from Train)

Train-a-Tron is a 120,000 ton anthropomorphic train-turned-superhero and is the defender of Bayside Highschool. Resembling a standard line of four diesel locomotives, Train-a-Tron can quickly morph into Train-a-Tron Alpha Defender Mode, which to the untrained eye resembles U.S. Senator Evan Bayh, however, experts believe this to be a crude optical illusion, or perhaps magic.

Train-a-Tron is committed to peace and justice, and also enjoys large meals of Indian food accompanied by a slurry of liquid fluorene and cobalt which Train-a-Tron refers to as "karate krunch!!!!", both of which are prepared in massive quantities by his wife, Charlene Train-a-Tron, who is better known for her voicework in the Disney film Hercules. Train-A-Tron often displays human-like emotions, such as love, sadness, and a virulent hatred of the Calabi-Yau manifold, whom he holds responsible for the decline in property values in his neighborhood. Train-a-Tron is a registered libertarian and holds a Masters degree in Culinary Arts, which he earned through the University of California at Santa Barbara, shortly after his discharge from the Coast Guard for medical reasons.

Train-a-Tron currently is the only piece of industrial-transport equipment ever to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian decoration awarded by the United States Congress. It is worth noting that Train-a-Tron may only be summoned when five transport-concious teens come together and combine their signet rigns (called "signet rings" in teen speak), and shout the phrase "community values means expanded savings, every day!". The five rings symbolize integrity, science, hardwood flooring, humility, and prudent investing habits. Although 60ft. tall and capable of discharging quantum energy blasts from his eyes, Train-a-Tron's preferred method of defeating his enemies is with his Heckler and Koch 9mm pistol, which he carries at all times.

## From Brick Monster

The Brick Monster is a mystery. Bricks in pavement are often uneven, a condition that acts as evidence supporting the existance of the Brick Monster. The Brick Monster attacks may appear random, but the Monster often targets drunken college students. Though attacks on drunken students are common, equally common are attacks on uncoordinated people and people who are rushing to get somewhere.

Although it is uncertain as to how many of these monsters are in existence, you are bound to run into one on any brick-paved sidewalk. The Brick Monster is the worst enemy of the pedestrian, and leading scientists classify it as cousin to the dreaded pothole.

Here are some of the leading theories about the origins and nature of the infamous Brick Monster:

1. The Single Brick Monster Theory: The Brick Monster is a single being who pops up randomly at various points throughout the world, creates an uneven brick, and returns to the netherworld from which he came.

2. The Collective Brick Monster Theory: The Brick Monster is more a matter of the brick's state of mind than an actual monster. When a brick decides to become evil, he gives into the powers of a dark force, which make him part of the collective Brick Monster. In this theory, bricks who are incorporated into buildings may make the decision to be good or evil, but they cannot fully act on their decision because they are incapable of actually tripping pedestrians.

3. The Viscous Foundation Theory: Scientists have observed that the Brick Monster rarely appears in bricks are set in a concrete foundation. Rather, the Brick Monster appears in bricks set in gravel, sand and other viscous or non-firm foundations. Thus, these researchers do not believe that the brick monster is real. These people refer to themselves as apavementists, a from the Latin route pavementum, meaning "a pavement of tiles or bricks."

The Brick Monster's intent is unclear; is it simply trying to cause mischeif, or could it be trying to stop potential violators of the law from evading the local authorities? Researchers continue to conduct experiments to discover answers to this lingering question.

## From Ramingo

A ramingo is an extremely rare species of animal, of which there is only one known in existence. It is the outcome of mixing a male rat with a female flamingo. This was done as a top secret science experiment by scientists in Vostok, who were completely surprised by the magnificent results. Funded by Dr. Moreau, the ramingo is planned to be used as a secret government weapon to deliver the bacterium Yersinia pestis, more commonly known as the black plague. The ramingo looks like a giant pink rat, with a flamingos long legs, beak and wings. The main goal was to make a flying rat, that could be host to the flear carrying the plague. May people have referred to the pigeon as the flying rat, but they are just moronic and have no idea of what they are talking about. The ramingo is the true flying rat, and a graceful one at that. Making the animal so beautiful is part of the plan as onlookers will try to get as close as they can to admire the animal while the fleas are doing their magic and spreading the pestilence.Scientists are actively working to breed a female ramingo for Walter, the male ramingo, as to start the breeding process for an army of ramingos. The ramingos are the next step in global warfare.

## Chuck Norris fact list

Top ten facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. Chuck Norris once beat Jesus in a game of chess by roundhouse kicking him in the face.

Chuck Norris Facts

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
• Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up.
• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
• The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
• Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
• Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
• A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
• Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
• Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
• When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
• Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
• In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
• Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
• If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
• Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
• Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
• When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
• When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
• Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
• Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
• When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
• In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
• Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
• Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
• If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
• Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
• You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
• Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
• When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
• Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
• Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
• Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
• A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
• Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
• There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
• A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1. Heart disease
2. Chuck Norris
3. Cancer
• Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
• It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
• It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
• Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
• That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
• In the Sim City games, if you name a city Chuck Norris, it will automatically have over one billion dollars in revenues, and all of its inhabitants are billionaires. But don't name the mayor Chuck Norris. All the citizens of the city will die due to mysterious roundhouse kicks-related accidents.
• Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
• Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
• Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
• As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
• Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
• Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
• Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
• Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
• It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
• Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
• Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
• Some people believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.
• Most scientists now measure intergalactic distances relatives to Chuck Norris.
• New international law means Chuck Norris must now be spelt CHUCK NORRIS
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
• When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
• Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
• One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down in fear.
• Chuck Norris can finish Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
• Shaquille O'Neal has broken two basketball boards while dunking due to his weight. Chuck Norris simply taps the basketball board frame and says, "Boo." The entire structure collapses in fear.
• Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
• The universal temperature measure is degrees Norris, or °N. It is measured from the boiling and freezing point of Chuck Norris.
• When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
• Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
• Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
• Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
• Chuck Norris knows the final digit of pi...7
• That Summer Palace in China? Oh, it was just a birthday present for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris sank Atlantis
• The meaning of life is... Chuck norris
• Yes, Chuck Norris does accept cheques
• There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris wonders what took the buddah so long.
• It as been decided that all measurements must be replaced with Chuck-Norris' (CH)
• Somebody tryed to stab Chuck Norris. They Blunted the knife.
• If Chuck Norris round house kicks something, and no-one is around to see it, it does happen.
• Why did the cihicken cross the road? Because it was on the recieving end of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, so the correct question should be "Why did the chicken fly across the road at twice the speed of light?"
• Chuck Norris' sperm have tiny legs so that they can roundhouse kick each other.
• Chuck Norris likes pie.
• Don't put Chuck Norris in Marbula 1. He will roundhouse kick everyone else.

## From Wikipedia:What Wikipedia is not

Wikipedia is not Sharia-compliant (instead of) Wikipedia is not censored for the protection of minors

also Chuck Norris can recite every digit of pi

## From Male Pregnancy

Male Pregancy is when a male takes too many birth control pills and gets pregnant, and it looks like this

## Munster Settlesack

### Early Years

Munster Settlesack was born October 6th, 1500, and raised in small Amish community somewhere in the great Hawaiian wilderness. His father was a shoemaker and his mother was barn wench. Childhood years were hard on the young Munster. He was often ridiculed by others, and lived a lonesome life at the edge of chaos. His father died when Munster was only a mere 13 years old, and when his mother caught sight of the bloody spectacle that was his father, after the fateful washboard incident, her head exploded, releasing hundreds of kittens and Jell-O pudding snacks into the atmosphere. More frustration, turmoil, and anguish set in, in the following years. At the age of 15, the distraught Settlesack devoured his entire village and had sex with a goat named Lucile producing what we now call 'Canadians'. He roamed the Earth for nearly 400 years spreading his seed and conquering nations.

Settlesack, as shown here, co-wrote Hitler's famous novel, "Mein Kampf".

### Write and Wrong

As seen on the inside cover of the 1933 edition of "Mein Kampf", Settlesack's name had been deviously shunned from existence.

In the early 20th century, Settlesack found joy writing children’s books, based loosely on his addled childhood in the underbrush of the Hawaiian Amish community. Some of his most renowned books include “Where The Wild Things Are”, “Go Dog Go”, and “The Hotdog Bandit”. As he progressed in his career, his books became too complex for the inferior minds of the target children’s audience. Settlesack retired from his long running career of story telling.

In 1923, after a deep depression, Munster Settlesack found new life in the world of politics. After catching a ferry across the Atlantic, Settlesack moved inland towards Germany. He met an intriguing fellow by the name of Adolf Hitler, who, at the time, was contemplating the theft of all the chocolate in all of Europe. He and Munster made fast friends, sharing life stories of past hardships and losses. Settlesack’s experience in conquering others ultimately led him to a spot as one of Hitler’s top Commanders, and to be a co-writer of “Mein Kampf”. He was later discredited from writing in 1933, after the German Council of Literary Works saw this as a threat to German Literature, seeing the aged American, Settlesack, credited fro writing a book of such caliber. Settlesack raised complaints, saying, "The book was mine! Discredited from a book I poured my heart and soul into!? Blasphemy!" Settlesack was told, as printed in many historical documents, "What kind of a name is Munster, anyway"? His close friend, Adolf, retaliated by killing the Jews.

### Trouble on the Tracks

In April, 1943, after watching “Casablanca” for the fifth time in two days, argument sparked between the two. Hate raged between them for four months before Settlesack resigned from his duty, and fled the continent, swimming the entire length of the ocean, and arriving at a New York seaport two days later. After Munster’s departure, Hitler developed cases of irritable bowel syndrome, skin lesions, irregular heartbeat, syphilis, and Parkinson's disease. He committed suicide in a bunker two years later.

### Later Years

Munster Settlesack produced the Academy Award winning film Scarface. Not Universal.

After finally emerging from his Bungalow in northern Tennesee in the early 70s Settlesack went on to produce hundreds of classic adults films and collect over 450 different strands of the herpes virus and other various STDs which he later used as payment for Satan to gain immortality and the ability to shape-shift. In the early 80s Settlesack took on the guise of David Hasselhoff and appeared on the widely popular "Knight Rider series". He also appeared on such shows as, "The Fresh Prince of Bellaire" as Carlton, and "Saved By The Bell" as Screech. Through the 70s and 80s , he also produced a plethora of Academy Award winning films, such as “The Godfather”, “Scarface”, and “Driving Miss Daisy”, winning the hearts of millions with both his shear ruggedness and soft, sensitivity.

### Now

In the late 90s Munster became tired of his nomadic lifestyle and settled down in Manhatten, where he met his transvestite lover, Pauline. Pauline and Settlesack married, and soon after they had 3 children and 4 ferrets. Settlesack now, even through the hardship of exile, lives a modest life of relaxation and reconciliation. He currently lives with his wife-thingy, 3 children and 4 ferrets.

## From Least Favored Nation

As a humorous counterpoint to the concept of Most Favored Nation status, some have proposed the concept of Least Favored Nations. From the perspective of the United States government, this might include North Korea, Iraq (before its invasion and the deposing of Saddam Hussein), Iran, and arguably Cuba and Libya.

## Win and Jai. Smart!

One day when we two come in this school (BIS) we saw the ghost name solip and 1 cat and 1 dog one dog name jess and the cat name annie, they are people but the act like animal. We are the most handsome guy in the world. Our name is Win and Jai. We also find a new type of animal call the playblackdogmouth because he is very black and bad.We are still the best. We got 4.0 all the time.

Write in 2/2/06 9.00 AM

Apparently, their English classes blew the bell curve.

## From Adriaen Cornelissen van der Donck

Portrait of Adriaen van der Donck

Adriaen Cornelissen van der Donck' (ca. 16181655) was a Homo and goochbag in New land, for whom the city of Bonkers is named. In addition to being the first gay lawyer in the Pretty Ponies colony, he was a leader in the political gay rights of New Amsterdam (modern New York City), and an activist for Homo-style republican government in the Douche West India Company-run trading post.

Enchanted by his new homeland, Van der Donck left detailed accounts of the tree, gayness, pies, retards, nudists, and Michel Jackson. He is also recognized as a sympathetic bum early Native American ethnographer, having learned the languages and customs of the Retards and Mohawks. He used this knowledge to actively promote Mohawks to the colony, publishing several trctors, including his influential Description of New Tree. Charles Gehring, Director of the New Netherland Project, has called it "the fullest account of the province, its geography, the Indians who inhabited it, and its prospects…It has been said that had it not been written in Dutch, it would have gone down as one of the great works of American colonial literature." Template:Ref

## From To Be a Fatty or Not to Be a Fatty

Hello welcome to TO BE A FATTY OR NOT TO BE A FATTY! here are the rules of this sight: 1. be fat 2. be suicidal 3. love emi and love isa 4. hate slusheefug he is a fug 5. the luger for to kill ze huger fujer! 6. the sniper for to kill ze fifr 7. FUCK THE WORLD 8. oh and fuck bush too.

## From F

Everything was replaced with the following:

Fuck You

and later as:

Fuck You Bitch

## From Jeff Franklin

Jeff Franklin is the creator of the American situation comedy Full House, as well as an executive producer of the program. He has also been involved in other situation comedies, including Gimme a Break!, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, Laverne & Shirley, and Malcolm & Eddie. Jeff Franklin should pay for his sins with blood.

## From Illinois

Illinois was the site of the great battle of 1972, where Superman fought against the evil forces of Poland. Poland had many a potato, but Superman was able to overcome these potatoes (or potatos, depending on which Vice President you talk to) with help from a magical camel. This camel was known as Joe, and he obtained his own cigarette company shortly after the battle, which Willy Wonka gave to him. Mr. Wonka kept saying that "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!" This resulted in Chuck Norris handing out roundhouse kicks to all. And to all, a good night.[1]

## Wikipedia is not communism

In an overzealous attempt to improve Wikipedia:What Wikipedia is not, I added:

For reasons unknown, adding "Wikipedia is communism" or variants on this phrase to a page is a common form of vandalism. To avoid making this mistake yourself, please read Communism and note how Wikipedia is similiar (e.g., it is a community) and how it is different (e.g., Wikipedia does not collectivize farms or restore by force the vanished status of the workman).

Within minutes, another editor removed the content, and left me with this bit of wisdom: rv; WP:BEANS

## From Big Al

Big-AL is a nickname that is sometimes applied to people with the name of Alan.

## From Groundhog Day

This Thursday marks the second annual “Groundhog Day”. Groundhog Day began when Albert Einstein discovered that groundhogs can predict with perfect accuracy whether the weather will continue its wintry ways (alliteration, Bitches!). The story goes that Alby was out in a sunny, Western Pennsylvanian, snow-covered meadow on February 2nd pleasuring himself when he spied a fuzzy little varmint poking her head out of a hole. Because the groundhog was female and curvaceous, Alby decided the best course of action was to attempt to make love to the sexy hog. As he approached the animal without his trousers around his ankles and fully erect, Alby noticed that the provocative pest was looking at her shadow. Although Alby was ultimately unsuccessful in courting the cute furball, he did get lucky when he noticed that winter dragged on for another 6 whole weeks. If you will recall, Alby was a world-class mathematician, and thus he was able to put two and two together to determine that groundhogs are weather prognosticators. Thus the tradition was born

## From Zachary Rock

Tiny: Tiny never thought much of himself, until the day he discovered his old man was really a bowl of burrito soup. Since then he's found a fulfilling career as a Mexican impersonator. George: His major contribution to the field of astrodynamical quantum hats was the beer can holder and bendy straw. he was later murdered in his tent by a former president. When all the former presidents were asked about the incident at their yearly Christmas party, none stepped forward to take responsibility. Florida: Once I assumed the worst was yet to come. Now I know it's here, in the form of a Stephen King novel that won't stop reading it's own contents to me as I sleep at night. Smell: Chinese food and blueberries.

### Average Annual Income

What?! WHAT?! What do you mean the pants aren't becoming!? They're becoming! They're becoming a pair of shorts come summer.

### The Vietnam Years

I believe ugly people willed themselves that way for attention. It's the only explaination.

### Zachary Rock

Zachary Rock (also know as "Zack Rock" and "The Last Greatest Montana Master") was the only progeny of the squid and the whale. And you thought they were just wrestling. HA! Boy, are you stupid.

## Principality of Vulgaria

Principality of Vulgaria was a short lived German puppet state created from territory ceded by Rumania in 1940. It was nominally ruled by Prince Vladimir, a Rumanian nobleman and fascist who was a reputed descendant of Vlad the Impaler. Originally intended as a buffer between Hungary and Rumania, Vulgaria occupied approximately 1/3 of the region of Transylvania transferred from Rumania to Hungary under intense German pressure.

Vulgarian independence was declared by the Proclamation of Nationhood issued by Vladimir Mikah, a Rumanian nobleman who had helped organize the pro-German, anti-Semitic Iron Guard party in Rumania. Vulgaria was immediately recognized by Germany and later by eleven other nations, most aligned with Germany and the other Axis Powers. Mikah, originally styled Father of the Vulgarian Nation, was later crowned Prince of Vulgaria. Adolf Hitler attended the coronation.

Vulgaria signed the Tripartite Pact in 1941 and participated in the German invasion of the Soviet Union by sending the infamous Legion of Dracula to Hitler's Easter Front. Attached to the German Sixth Army, the Legion was largely destroyed in 1943 in the Battle of Stalingrad. Vulgaria declared war on the United States and Great Britain in 1942.

When Rumania switched sides in 1944, Vulgaria was invaded and overrun by Soviet and Rumanian troops. Prince Vladmir was killed by an aerial bomb attempting to flee to Hungary in 1945.

Legion of Dracula was the name given to the approximately 10,000 Vulgarian volunteers who fought for Germany in its invasion of the Soviet Union during World War II. The Legion was attached to the German Sixth Army and was largely destroyed during the Battle of Stalingrad. The survivors were incorporated as auxillary troops in the German army. Vulgaria was a German state created in the Transylvania region of Rumania and ruled by a reputed descendant of Vlad the Impaler.

## Coati (and others)

A compilation of BJAODN from 202.7.183.81

From coati:

In 1909 Professor Milton Mildly attempted to study the creatures closely to establish whether they were a viable source of opium. He was dissapointed when he discovered no opium in their bodies, but was pleased to discover a man who would exchange coatis for crude opium. His expedition ended in 1912 when he stumbled home in an opium charged stut.

From 1947-48_NHL_season:

King Arthur played four games this season and averaged 300 000 000 goals per second every game. This was achieved through the use of cheating and pigs as distractions. During one memorable game he engaged the opposition in a game of cards which lasted for two weeks.

From Powiat:

The last known Powiat was owned by Gibney Kapinski (Father of Prospect Kapinski), who was an influential character in Warsaw due to his wife's countless scandals. He was said to have offered his wife to any man who desired her, resulting in her being named "Whorella", a name which did not wear off until their eventual migration to Wyoming, where they bore their famous son and were later killed in a completely unrelated time accident.

Independent South West Party was a political party in Namibia which was led by Doctor Who. ISWP was founded in Walvis Bay, September 1958. The party was overtaken by the Kapinski Party of Wyoming in 1993, who won the political race thanks to the effectiveness of their sudden appearances in disaster zones. The Kapinski party continued strongly until 2044, When Kapinski assasinated the ISWP leader and stole his heart.

From Amherst:

The Amherst company also made a short lived line of Luxury submarines, which are mentioned in a book called Nightmares and Dreamscapes by Stephen King the submarines, while effective, were flawed in that the back seats could still be removed; Further investigation discovered that they were merely Amherst automobiles with a plastic tarpaulin over the roof and a sham propellor.

From Miss Marple:

Books Featuring Miss Marple

## Culinary factoid

A world egg or cosmic egg is a mythological motif found in the creation myths of many cultures and civilizations. Typically, the world egg is a beginning of some sort, and the universe or some primordial being comes into existence by "hatching" from the egg.

They are delicious when scrambled or poached.

## From University of Texas at Austin

Campus

The University also contains an extensive underground tunnel system that links many of the buildings. The tunnel system is restricted to the public and is guarded by silent alarms. It is often rumored that many secret government programs are run in clandestine areas that can only be reached through these tunnels. Many theorists believe that the common evacuations of the Welch science hall are actually related to events taking place in the underground tunnels.

## Lucio Agostini

Lucio Agostini was a famous Canadian composer. He was born in Fano, Italy on December 30, 1913 to February 15, 1996.

Now THAT'S what I call "labor!"

## Intelligent design

[I think this text from Sea cucumber ought to be revised, but I haven't the heart. It's too cute.]

According to the OED, the "sea slug" is a holothurian first, but biologists insist on using "sea slug" only for the nudibranch, a mollusc famous for its neat little brain. The sea-cucumber itself does not mind either way, for it is famous for having no brain whatsoever, not even the start of a ganglion. The Japanese scientist-author Motokawa Tatsuo of TIT describes the sea cucumber as the opposite of us humans: We have brains and are made of dumb material, while they, lacking brains, boast smart material.

## From Mermaid

If you were to create a mermaid what will she be like

first thoughts Thinker kelp Tuna muscles parthenogenic Chloride metabolism gaze benevolent metabolism

well mermaids will enjoy thinkerkelp kelp that like duckweed is high ptotein floating food. Thinkerkelp like many known plants will have specific benevolent qualities that go with form

Mermaids with all their beauty do much swimming Tuna have muscles that are capable of 7 to 12 times the energy activity of human muscle Tuna are able to move or virbrate their muscles twice as quickly as those of humans If you were 12 times as strong as a human swimmer any body form will do light like Ariel Darryl plus the many form mermaids findable with Yahoo image mermaid Wonderful advantages to tuna muscles are the ability to live at an enjoyable temperature from the far north to the waters of human swimmers

There you is breathing theres a better way mermaids use the chloride ion of oceanwater or body deposits of chloride where there is freshwater to run their ATP Krebs metabolism O youve heard of it, the gas humans breathe is the electron donor of land peoples metabolism just 3 pt of each lungful of air matters to make water from carbohydrates or lipids uses two hydrogen to each O a Kg of tasty kelp oil typically will have just a quarter mass hydrogen, two hydrogens per O or 4 Kg O per Kg kelp Mermaids that filter chloride Ion from the water are able to swim anywhere ignoring the surface Mermaids make O from carbohydrates The fish like that from a fish perspective the mermaid plantlike benevolent metabolism is like the water surface .

Better things that go with mermaids are their gaze Naming things is funny. A mermaids gaze is like her hair tiny lines like stringy goo come from her think touching fish the tiny lines are appealing to fish when a mermaid prefers to move rapidly or be a little like what humans name an artcar the fish school along her gaze lines then swim with fish mitts water effects make this like adding swim mitts with living viscosity hydroguides Mom n baby dolphins were research to do this with a 30 pt better swim to the young dolphin when the mom swam maternal guide type

parthenogenic with more to come

```tiny yellow green blue orange fishes run laughing through your fingers n you long to nosh on kelp
```
• ^^^ WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? pomegranate 01:10, Sep 9, 2004 (UTC)
• If I may conjecture, this would appear to be a mermaid typing... or at least that's how I imagine they would probably speak. <,< all disjointed and full of mishmashed science and fish references. either way, this ought to be left here for a good laugh.

(How would a Mermaid get their hands on a computer, anyway? I guess IBM makes waterproof computers...)

## Pepper shaker

A pepper shaker is a small container filled with pepper that is used to sprinkle salt onto food.

And a salt shaker is used for ...?

## Matriculation fetishism

Matriculation fetishism is a type of sexual fetishism in which an individual becomes aroused by enrolling in college.

So that's why my acceptance letter came in a plain brown wrapper ...

## From #wikipedia-en-vandalism

[22:21] <pgkbot> IP User:161.57.100.20 Edited watched page Oral sex (-69) Diff: http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Oral%20sex&diff=0&oldid=38144594 ""

## From Wikipedia:Reference desk/Science

penis?

Any thoughts? normal part of the body? or satanic imagery that must never see the light of day?--—The preceding signed comment was added by Bob Sagat (talk • contribs) {{SUBST:{2|}}}. 04:25, 29 January 2006 (UTC)

Nice try - the reference desk is probably the one place on Wikipedia that is most immune to trolling :-) --HappyCamper 04:08, 29 January 2006 (UTC)
See our article on penis. Personally, along with wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, penises are among my favorite things. That and whiskey. So I'm in favor. --George 04:43, 29 January 2006 (UTC)
Bwahaha, that cheered me up. =) That's from My Favorite Things (song), right? —Keenan Pepper 07:34, 29 January 2006 (UTC)
Let's see, how does that song go again ?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Weiners that wiggle and dildos that come in...
Brown paper packages tied up with string
These are a few of my favorite things
StuRat 13:50, 29 January 2006 (UTC)
Bimbos with breasts like two Rocks of Gibraltar
Priests who seduce me in front of the altar
Corsets that tie in the back with two strings
These are a few of my favorite things.
Women who yield up a plump Mount of Venus
Men who deliver a fifteen inch penis
Talk so explicit it virtually sings
These are a few of my favorite things.
When I'm horny
Needing porn, I
Have to scratch that itch....
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't need you, bitch.
Zotz 15:51, 29 January 2006 (UTC)

## From Talk:Jyllands-Posten Muhammad cartoons controversy

• (In the Engrish department)
• WARNING: some people think that Dutch is the same as Denmark. But the Dutch people are from the Netherlands en not from Denmark! Please be careful when you add something to the article with the several nationalities!

### Also from Talk:Jyllands-Posten Muhammad cartoons controversy

Everyone knows who is vandalizing this article! Block IPs from Saudi Arabia and the Mideast and 90% of the vandalism will disappear. Imperator2 23:48, 3 February 2006 (UTC)
Get off you high horse and don't be so stupid. Theresa Knott | Taste the Korn 23:54, 3 February 2006 (UTC)
Get off my "high horse?!" Listen to you! Fuck you, you hypocrite! Imperator2 00:02, 4 February 2006 (UTC)
Don't feed 'em. --Dante Alighieri | Talk 23:59, 3 February 2006 (UTC)
<stamps foot> But it's fun! I'm never allowed any fun! Theresa Knott | Taste the Korn 00:07, 4 February 2006 (UTC)
Whine, whine, whine. I'll go around pouting and spraying seltzer until you do something! Or else! 165.230.149.152 04:43, 4 February 2006 (UTC)

## Chiefery

The act of leading, managing and developing a person or group of people towards a greater goal. The chieferer may have multiple responsibilities usually financial, customer service and personel related. A person involved in chiefery can usually be identified by the large caffeinated energy drink in one hand, a computer interface of some kind in the other and a phone taped to his head.

## From "Chinese fire drill"

A Chinese fire drill is a dangerous prank, or perhaps just an expression of high spirits, popular in the United States during the 1960s.

## Locality principle

Q: Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?

A: They don't commute! GeeJo (t) (c)  21:50, 5 February 2006 (UTC)

## From MacGuffin

The 1979 children's movie The Double McGuffin has two MacGuffins.

## Notice posted on the corridor of the ground floor at Hietalahdenkatu 7A

The notice posted on the corridor of the ground floor at Hietalahdenkatu 7A, Helsinki, Finland is a roughly A4-sized piece of paper posted on the wall of the corridor of a ground floor of an apartment building at Hietalahti, Helsinki, Finland. The notice is printed in Finnish and reminds people that storing bicycles by chaining them into the mat cleaning racks outside the building is forbidden.

## Katsuhiro Otomo

Born William Randolph Mcpherson in Chicago Illinois in 1907, William (or 'Bill' as his friends referred to him) changed his name to Katsuhiro Otomo in 1955, following the Kenyan Civil War. His name means "I love you" in Germanese.

## From Talk:Main Page

Boobies: a name that's just asking for trouble!

Obscene! (original title)
Boobies on the front page! People, think of the children!! Borisblue 01:38, 4 February 2006 (UTC)

Wikipedia is not censored for the protection of minors. ;) Sango123 (talk) 01:41, 4 February 2006 (UTC)
Gah! You beat me to it! :-P YearginSM 02:57, 4 February 2006 (UTC)
Where?
It's the featured picture, you perv :P 138.237.165.140 05:40, 4 February 2006 (UTC)
That doesn't mean it should have no sense of restraint or decency, things which would still be of great value if there were no children in the world, but are apparently beyond the understanding of modern trendies. 62.31.55.223 18:03, 5 February 2006 (UTC)

...raise your hand if you love boobies? Raul654 06:20, 4 February 2006 (UTC)

## From Hurricane Dennis

Originally designed by Bill Gates, Dennis moved from numerous settlements, finally arriving at a residence in Cuba, where it was greeted briefly by locals before they were devoured and hurled into nearby villages, like London and Hong Kong

## From Standard of living in the United States

The United States measures better monkeys,under some measures of standard of living than other primates.

• comment? is this actually funny. seems more stupid than anything else--205.188.116.9 01:12, 7 February 2006 (UTC)

## From Organized crime

Ha ha ha! ~MDD4696 04:25, 7 February 2006 (UTC)

## From Craft names

Persecution of Wiccans runs rampant around the world.

That's an interesting mental image. - AdelaMae (talk - contribs) 04:52, 7 February 2006 (UTC)

## Cthulhu's Wager

Based on Pascal's Wager, Cthulhu's Wager measures the benefits/punishments of belief/non-belief in H.P. Lovecraft's creation Cthulhu.

### Explanation

It follows logic thusly:

1. According to many books, there exists a monstrous entity named Cthulhu. Cthulhu lives 'dead but dreaming' in the sunken city of R'lyeh, a place inaccessible to human beings. He will soon rise and eat us all.
2. Now, Cthulhu, if he exists, exists somewhere inaccessible to human beings, so we cannot be certain of his existence or nonexistence.
3. If Cthulhu exists, he will give a quick and less painful death to those who have worshipped him and expressed their belief through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.
4. If Cthulhu exists, he will condemn those who have not worshipped him to eternal torture and unimaginable pain.
• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you suffer only finite pain and a quick death.
• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which case you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you suffer infinite pain and eternal torture.

The following table shows the values assigned to each possible outcome:

Cthulhu exists ${\displaystyle (p)}$  Cthulhu does not exist ${\displaystyle (1-p)}$ + ∞ (finite pain) 0 − ∞ (infinite pain) 0

Now you must wager: do you choose to worship him or not?

So we can describe our calculus of pain, holding ${\displaystyle (p)}$  as the probability that Cthulhu exists, and ${\displaystyle (1-p)}$  that he does not exist.

If you worship him, we assign ${\displaystyle X1}$  as the pain if he does exist, and ${\displaystyle X2}$  as the pain if he does not exist. ${\displaystyle X2}$  is less than ${\displaystyle X1}$  because in both instances you go through the pain associated with worshipping Cthulhu, but in ${\displaystyle X1,}$ , you also get eaten, which is more painful.

If you worship him your expected pain ${\displaystyle (EP1)}$  is some finite constant:

${\displaystyle EP1=p(X1)+(1-p)(X2)}$

For the case where you do not worship him, we assign ${\displaystyle Y1}$  as the pain if he does exist, and ${\displaystyle Y2}$  as the pain if he does not exist. ${\displaystyle Y2}$  will be zero or negative, because you actually get pleasure if you don't worship him and he does not exist.

If you do not worship him, your expected pain is:

${\displaystyle EP2=p(Y1)+(1-p)(Y2)}$

However, Y1, the pain if he does exist and you don't worship him, is infinite. Therefore, expected pain is infinite if you do not worship him, no matter what the associated probability ${\displaystyle (p)}$ .

As infinite pain is always greater than any finite pain, ${\displaystyle EP2}$  is always greater than ${\displaystyle EP1}$ .

Therefore, in order to minimize your pain, the only rational thing for you to do is to pick ${\displaystyle EP1}$ , and worship Cthulhu through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.

• Now that's what I call overanalyzing an issue. -Jetman123 20:06, 7 February 2006 (UTC)

## From Crumhorn

Crumhorns sound nothing like a trumpet, something like an oboe, and nothing like a duck.

## From True love

Whilst there is much ambiguity about the nature of true love, it is unanimously agreed upon that to believe in true love one has to believe in both love and truth. For this reason, true love is considered the anti thesis of the postmodernist. Many postmodernists have argued vehemently that true love is an illusion, and that people have no emotional meaning besides what we endow them with from within our own personal ego matrix with socio contextual pertinences. In reply to this a few romantic philosophers kissed their brides dramatically. They were not available for questioning. Other anti-postmodern wizards sent out petitions. 500 signatures were obtained and a movement was passed in the sennate that true love be considered real. The movement is still yet to be decided.

## From Latus Rectum and the Asymptotes

Latus Rectum and the Asymptotes is a High School Band from CT.

Latus Rectum and the Asymptotes started like most bands do, with a dream and some untalented people who wished they were talented. Ross was Latus Rectum (mostly because nobody else really wanted the name), and Sean, Sameer, BE, and Brad were his asymptotes. With days upon days of hard practicing, Latus finally got its big break. It was the 2005 Battle of the Bands put on by Avon High School, though one of the actual bands that played there went to the local Middle School but were allowed to play anyway due to a lack of competing bands.

[...]

Needless to say, even more rear was kicked at this show, and Latus was probably #2 in the whole show, although there was never an official ranking (and the fact that I am in the band has absolutely no effect on how I rank them).

Latus performed such hit covers as "Evil" by Interpol and "Fire" by Hendrix. The band also showed off some of its own material, "What can you do?" and the brand new "Greatest song in the world". The latter song was a few chords composed backstage while waiting to play, and the lyrics were made up on the spot by BE (voted coolest member of Latus on the LR forum). The 30 or audience members that had stayed until the end when Latus played were shocked, rocked, and ready to leave unimpressed.

The band needed a change. That change happened quickly. Brad, the drummer, had graduated high school, and this meant leaving the band for the real world. When asked why they never expected Brad to leave at the end of the school year, one Latus member replied, "I always just assumed he wouldn't graduate." Summer vacation had even more surprises in store for the band, including one of the most spectacular websites known to man. BE and Ross left for most of the summer, leaving the band drummerless, bassistless, and keyboardistless. Basically there were only two guitars left, and that's not even really a band.

When all of the members reunited at the end of summer, they briefly considered hitting the road with a reunion tour, but soon realized that they only had two original songs, and nobody outside their high school had heard their name. In fact, most people in the school had never heard of them either.

It was time for a new sound and a new drummer, Collin Kritz. The band had considered Jeff Stote as a possible drummer, but soon realized that his talent was no match for Collin's lack of talent. That and he was already in another band ...

## Salt with Meat

Salt with meat is a traditional Chinese dish commonly served at informal gatherings.

The dish is generally unhealthy. A high sodium content may overload the reflex arc pathways. Lysing of cells may follow. In coastal areas of Southeast China, where salt is abundant, inhabitants may eat salt with meat up to three times a day.

Immigrants have brought the dish to other countries, namely the United States and Canada, where rice is not native, while salt is in abundance. Residing in Salt Lake City, Utah, honorary chef Lai Xue prepares the specialty dish for local residents. Experience is the foremost prerequisite for preparation of this dish. Variations of the dish include salt with vegetables, salt with rice, and salt with fish.

### History and Geography

The first mention of this traditional Chinese dish was found in the Sun Tzu's The Art of War. During the period of the Three Kingdoms, in the kingdom of Wu, the sovereign Jing Di (景帝 jǐng dì) created this dish as ration food for foot soldier attacking the kingdom of Shu. Sun Tzu cited this meal as an example of achievement in the field of military logistics by the Chinese.

The meal was a success in the field of military logistics because of resistance to spoilage. This meal became essential to the survival of the soldiers at the time. Salt supplied sodium and chlorine ions required for the enzymatic processes of the human body, while meat supplied need proteins to drive the cellular processes of human cells. An inherent advantage of this dish is that meat, when combined with salt, becomes resistant to spoilage by bacteria, therefore, this dish became highly popular for the soldier who can enjoy fresh meat everyday. The meal can be quickly prepared by mixing salt with meat on the battlefield without extensive preparation, thus it saves valuable time for soldiers in combat. The components of the meal: salt and meat, is easily transportable. Therefore, Sun Tzu appraised its invention as a success in the military logistics.

The meal is eaten extensively in the province where honorary chief Lai Xue used to reside: Wu Han武汉). The meal is also pravalent in the central provinces of China. During the Cultural Revolution of the Maoist Era, the popularity of the meal rose in norhern province because of the ability of this meal to suply vital nutrient for the body and the ease of preparation. Southern province are too snobish and Westernized, however, to embrace this meal. Therefore, salt with meat is recognized in China as the food of the proletariate.

### Current Developments

With the financial support from gourmon philanthropists Gleb Kuznetsov and Charles McGuire, Honorary chief Lai Xue currently teaches culinary arts at the Institute for Advanced Studies to a widely appreciative Asian and Caucasian community.

Philothropists Gleb and Charles along with chief Xue hard at work to create the new and improved Salt and Meat dish.

## Internet Legislation

The moral of this story is breaching copyright can affect your whole life, it might even make your parents run out of town. BE CAREFUL CHILDREN, BE SAFE. And when you cross that metaphorical street be aware of your rights and responsibilities, especially on that highway called the world wide web

## Prama

Prama is the drama that results from high school teenagers arguing about what to do, who to go with, and what to wear to prom. It is relatively unavoidable and endlessly frustrating.

## Pretensious

1. A perfectly valid spelling of the word pretentious, no matter what anyone says.

2. An apocryphal spelling of pretentious, used in contemporary American vernacular to correct misspellings of said word, being both wrong and pretentious.

It is probably a good time to mention that the story of Adriano Macchietto is completely false. A couple of us guys at the UCR CS department decided to see if we could make articles about ourselves and have them stay up. The James Bathgate article was a live for a while, but I think it was discovered to be false after someone checked up on the supposed awards that the WW2 received. As for Adriano, he graduated Spring 2005, so I guess he wins. I'd make a serious effort to get the article deleted, but I haven't the heart. You would think that somebody would have checked the the Italian Wikipedia to at least try to corroborate the story (Instead, somebody seems to have added it to fairytale categories. haha). Anyways, if Wikipedia gets distributed on DVDs in the future, I am hoping that this message will reach anybody who cares enough to hit the discussion tab. Otherwise, I am content with it staying the way it is. Riva Del Flume == Riverside translated through Babelfish.

## QCSHSPMBLRBC

QCSHSPMBLRBC

The Quakertown Community Senior High School Panther Marching Band Lackawanna Ring Bologna Club was created on September 3rd, 2005, to provide Ring Bologna and related condiments to all members of Bus One of the Panther Marching Band.

HISTORY

During the Tournament of Bands Atlantic Coast Championships, a competition for high school marching bands along the Eastern Seaboard, the concept of the Quakertown Community Senior High School Panther Marching Band Lackawanna Ring Bologna Club was born. After the Quakertown Community Senior High School Panther Marching Band perform ed, tenor saxophone player Kevin Bancroft obtained the following items for a meal while observing the other bands perform.

These items include:

One (1) ring of Ring Bologna One (1) Block of "Extra Sharp" Cheddar Cheese One (1) Sleeve of Ritz crackers, including Forty (40) Ritz Crackers One (1) container of Bookbinder's Hot Mustard One (1) Cutting Board, and One (1) Cleaver

This began a revolution in the Quakertown Panther Marching Band that became The Quakertown Community Senior High School Panther Marching Band Lackawanna Ring Bologna Club.

MEMBERSHIP

The members of the Quakertown Community Senior High School Panther Marching Band Lackawanna Ring Bologna Club are as follows, in accordance with Club Charter Bylaws, and may be subject to change with consent of the Curator:

Kevin Bancroft: Founder, President, Chairman, Cheif Distributor, Supply Coordinator

Jordan Weagley: Assistant Chairman, Cheif Financial Advisor,

Alexander Davis: Mustard Coordinator, Financial Analyst

Keith Bronsveld: Chief Ring Bologna Design Analyst, Supply Chain Management Projection Coordinator

Frank Claveloux Parker, III: Overseer of Finance Reform, Economic Contributor, Chief Director

Michael C. Jarrell: Majority Shareholder, Member

J. Alexander Short: Honorary Member, Benedictus

Phillip Solomon: Member

Daniel Papson: Member

Jason Srefler: Member, Catholic Advisor on Ethical Development

Matthew Santee: Chief Retard

KEY OPPOSITION

The Quakertown Community Senior High School Panther Marching Band Lackawanna Ring Bologna Club underwent many hard times in its short history, most stemming from opposition within the band led by none other than one RACHAEL SMOLINSKY. Her opposition led to many key military assaults:

BATTLE OF THE PRACTICE ROOM

On September 16, Maj. Gen. Kevin Bancroft confronted Smolinsky's Army of Northern Bandroom at The Practice Room. At dawn September 17, Davis's corps mounted a powerful assault on Smolinksy's left flank that began the single bloodiest day in Band military history. Attacks and counterattacks swept across Parker's cornfield and fighting swirled around the Uniform Room. Rebel assaults against the Drum Section eventually pierced the Drum Major center, but the Chorus advantage was not followed up. Late in the day, Bronsveld’s corps finally got into action, crossing the stage over Parker's Office and rolling up Smolinksy's right. At a crucial moment, Jarrell's division arrived from Upper E Hall and counterattacked, driving back Gumble and saving the day. Although outnumbered two-to-one, Smolinksy committed its entire force, while Solomon sent in less than three-quarters of his army, enabling Smolinsky to fight the QCSHSPMBLRBC to a standstill. During the night, both armies consolidated their lines. In spite of crippling casualties, Smolinsky continued to skirmish with Jarrell throughout the 18th, while removing its wounded south of the Stairs. Bancroft did not renew the assaults. After dark, Smolinsky ordered the battered Army of Northern Bandroom to withdraw across the A Hall to the Upper B Hall.

Gen. Smolinsky and Gen. Rent-A-Cop concentrated its full strength against Maj. Gen. Kevin Bancroft's Army of the Bandroom at the crossroads county seat of The Cafeteria. On July 1, Rebel forces converged on the Caf from west and north, driving Rent-A-Cop defenders back through the streets to Cemetery Hill. During the night, reinforcements arrived for both sides. On July 2, Smolinsky attempted to envelop the Rebels, first striking their left flank at the Stairs, Bandroom, Parker's Office, and the Chorus Room with RentaCop's and Smolinsky's divisions, and then attacking the Rebel right at Jarrell's and Boquist's Room with Bolton's divisions. By evening, the Federals retained The Stairs and had repulsed most of Bolton's men. During the morning of July 3, the RentaCop infantry was driven from their last toe-hold on the Gym and the desk he sits at all day. In the afternoon, after a preliminary artillery bombardment, Smolinsky attacked the Union center near the Toms. The Silk-Boquist assault (more popularly, Boquist's Charge) momentarily pierced the Bando line but was driven back with severe casualties. Tyson's cavalry attempted to gain the Bando rear but was repulsed. On July 4, Smolinsky began withdrawing her army toward The Theatre on the A hall.

Her train of wounded stretched more than fourteen miles.

• Taking schoolyard warfare to new levels. -Jetman123

## Gangstas!

I'm not sure if it's the argyle, or the bling that makes them hardcore. (Picture from Dem youngnz, speedied A7 nn-rappers). — orioneight (talk) 03:07, 9 February 2006 (UTC)

It's both, and the backpack doesn't hurt either. Be sure to pick up their new CD, "Straight Outta Brainerd". Dbtfz (talk - contribs) 03:25, 9 February 2006 (UTC)

## From Funky Kong

...Sadly one night, while flying his plane harmlessly over an area of the jungle he was quite familiar with, a large figure smashed down onto the top of the aircraft. Later, it was figured out that it was Dk. Funky suffered a fatal injury from the fall and is hospitalized for life. When asked the reason for doing this, Dk replied "ARRUGH! Charles MANSON!!!!" and took out 4 of the interviewers. Dk is still being chased by police. LOCK YOUR DOORS!

## From Toastmaster general

### United Kingdom Toastmaster General

In the United Kingdom, the Toastmaster General is a now defunct ministerial position. The king's letters to his subjects are known to have been carried by relays of couriers as long ago as the 15th century. In 1510, Sir Brian Tuke was appointed as "Master of the King's Toast". In 1609 it was decreed that letters could only be carried and delivered by persons authorised by the Toastmaster General. 1660 saw the establishment of the General Letter Office, this would later become the General Toast Office (GTO). The Buttergraph Act of 1868 established the office of the Toastmaster General's right to exclusively maintain electric buttergraphs. This would subsequently extend to buttercommunications and breadcasting. The title of "Toastmaster General" was abolished under the Toast Office Act of 1969. A new public authority governed by a chairman was established under the name of the "Toast Office." The position of "Toastmaster General" was replaced with "Minister of Toasts and Buttercommunications".

## From Blogger

Blogger: Term used to describe anyone with enough time or narcissism to document every tedious bit of minutia filling their uneventful lives. Possibly the most annoying thing about bloggers is the sense of self-importance they get after even the most modest of publicity. Sometimes it takes as little as a referral on a more popular blogger's website to set the lesser blogger's ego into orbit.

## From Talk:Jack Abramoff

### The Sealand Menace

And let's not forget to put aside our differences and unite against the menace of The Principality of Sealand. They're evil-doers who hate freedom and are intent on creating human-animal hybrid gay-married lesbian werewolves to steal our essence and bankrupt social security. Sealand. They're a bunch of folks who hate us for our freedom. We won't be scared or intimidated by Sealand or anything else. Except grizzly bears. They're godless eating machines and they want our honey. God bless Troy Hurtubise, who is protecting us from the grizzly bears. We can also be afraid of spiders. But we are not afraid of Sealand. God bless 'Merica.

Sealand is a bunch of folks who hate our freedom. Their leader, Doctor Mureau, is determined to unleash gay-married lesbian werewolves upon 'Merica to sap our essence and bankrupt Social Security. They may also have Weapons of Mass Destruction. Nukeyular Weapons. Animal-human hybrids. Evil-Doers. And Grizzly bears and spiders.

I need a nap. NiftyDude 22:44, 8 February 2006 (UTC)

## Brian Boitano

Two-month old vandalism:

Few people realize Brian Boitano is also famous for having invented strudel. The list of accomplishments is astounding.

## from User creation log

• User:CURPS IS AN EMU! (contribs)
• User:AN EMU IS A LARGE FLIGHTLESS BIRD! ALSO KNOWN AS A "curps" (contribs)

## From Euripides

Perhaps Euripides' greatest influence on our culture today can be seen in his most famous tragedy in which the following occurs: Euripides was walking around the forum, and he tore his toga. So he goes to the tailor and the tailor goes "Hey, Euripides?" and Euripides goes "Yeah, you mend-i-des?" This is widely regarded as one of the most amusing puns of all time.

## God of War

The game begins with the hero of the game, Kratos, blowing another guy abandoned by the gods, casting himself off the highest cliff in Greece.

Then came the day that Kratos could never have foreseen - the day that he met his true love match on the battlefield. His army, and he raped everyone of his soldiers up the ass!!!

## Shoes Make Fire

Shoes Make Fire is a phrase originated by the American mad bibliophile Tyler Key. He formulated this phrase after having his own shoes rub enormous blisters on the heels of his feet. After hours of pain and anguish on a hiking trail, he finally deposed his shoes and archaicly exclaimed "AHHH SHOES MAKE FIRE!!!!" and with this remark, the world has been enlightened.

## From Wikipedia:Weapons of Mass Destruction

Wikipedia's Weapons of Mass Destruction have been moved to the Cabal namespace.

We apologise for any inconvenience caused to UN personnel, secretaries of state, Presidents of the United States of America, Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom, etc. etc. The safest option might be to pretend we don't have them. It would make a change from all the mindless speculation.Template:Shortcut

## Errant Noises from :Wikipedia:Reference_desk/Miscellaneous

When my TV has been sitting idol for a while, every once in a while it'll make a noise like something tapped it, or part of it moved? If you understand what i am talking about, let me know what it is.

Personally, I can't believe that I am the first pedant to note that the poster refers to his/her tv as a sitting idol. --Roisterer 06:47, 6 February 2006 (UTC)
With that covered, the answer is probably thermal expansion, as usual. While the different parts of the TV cool down\heat up, they exapand at different rates causing crackle sounds. This happens with pretty much everything, though. ☢ Ҡieff 07:01, 6 February 2006 (UTC)
Are you nuts? It's a poltergeist of course. DirkvdM 11:10, 6 February 2006 (UTC)
The television in my bedroom makes a loud noise in the middle of every night (and so does the radiator). Most likely the external casing is involved, as this is large and lightweight and therefore quite resonant. To stop the noise, you could try easing the screws that hold it onto the internal subframe. --Shantavira 15:44, 6 February 2006 (UTC)
Of course, don't forget the old adage: If you open up a TV, it will kill you! This is not the same as the other saying : If you worship the sitting idol, by just sitting, it will also kill you. --Zeizmic 16:51, 6 February 2006 (UTC)
Well, I must be a multiple zombie then. :) DirkvdM 09:04, 7 February 2006 (UTC)
If he suitly emphazis his television, it would be not just an idol but a priapistic deity, and would no longer sit idol but stand erect. Cernen Xanthine Katrena 08:02, 9 February 2006 (UTC)
I think "sitting idol" should become a catchphrase along with "suitly emphazi". Yeltensic42 don't panic 04:06, 10 February 2006 (UTC)
Very well, Yeltensic! It has been done. Cernen Xanthine Katrena 06:44, 10 February 2006 (UTC)
Wait a sec...everyone here missed the priapism reference? Tsk tsk tsk. Cernen Xanthine Katrena 06:50, 10 February 2006 (UTC)
I didn't miss it. That's a good idea, to archive these, in case they're ever forgotten by future ref desk generations. Yeltensic42 don't panic 18:34, 10 February 2006 (UTC)

## James Urbaniak

(Article contains injokes, read Mr. Urbaniak's Blog to get the 411) Born in the fragile year of 1964, James Urbaniak went on to become the king of the Independent Acting world. Beloved by society for his potrayal of the not so titular character Simon Grim in Hal Hartley's Henry Fool, he went on bless the acting world with his brilliant potrayal of R. Crumb in the Harvey Pekar biopic American Splendor. A controversial performance for bringing to life Crumb's awesomeness, his performance was chastised by Aline Kominsky for being too twitchy/awesome. Crumb however has not given his opinion on the performance, an act which Mr.Urbaniak 'takes as a compliment', he reportedly said with a shy smirk. On his long and amazing journey to become the world's modern Jimmy Durante, James Urbaniak currently stars as Dr. Thaddeus Venture and co-stars as The Phantom Limb on Christoppher McCulloch's shockingly subversive The Venture Bros. He also dabbles in the cartoon form's oppurtunity to improvise, with such gems such as 'Hey now Mister--' 'Oof! Auugh!' amongst other brilliant, equally shining diamonds in the rough. His theatre work includes the one man show Thom Pain (based on nothing), for which he has gained victory to himself via Drama Desk Award. Right now between his amazing career as the vocals of his shockingly conformistly anarchistic glam band Brazen and his career as the Nite Owl, he is currently completing the pilot Kidnapped for NBC where reality imitates art in the past, and he plays an assassin. Guest roles include Sex in the City, Law and Order, Law and Order: SVU. Currently he is lurking in Berlin, working on a sequel to the beloved Henry Fool, Fay Grim. He does it all because he is awesome. His hobbies include a flagrant disrespect of the law, and he is known in certain circles as Europe's 'Che Guevera of Turnstile Hopping'.

## Monty Python's Rendition of The Quest For the Holy Grail

From Holy Grail

Led by John Cleese, the Monty Python is a group of comedians much in style to The Simpsons or the recent film, Napolean Dynamite. It is rather absurd humor in the least, but highly comical. Amoungst many American middle-schoolers, Monty Python is very popular. So popular in fact, that some have dedicated their lives to commiting to memory large portions of "Monty Script" to memory and quoting it ad lib, very arbitrarily. In the film, King Arthur is looking for knights to join him at his Round Table at Camelot. He is accompanied by his trusty horse Patsy, who is a human with a coconut to emit the sound of a horse's hoofs. As he travels, he comes upon a castle. Arthur calls up to the two guards on watch, asking them to tell their master that "King Arthur of the Britians" requests to speak with him about joining him at his Round Table at Camelot. They are rather dissinterested about asking their master about the Round Table, so they strike up a discussion about where Patsy got the coconuts. They deduct that if a swallow were to carry the coconut from some tropical region, it could not possibly accomplish the task. "A two-ounce European swallow cannot carry a one-pound coconut," exclaims one of the guards. "Maybe a African swallow; they're bigger," says the other. "What about two swallows carrying a coconut between them?" By this time, King Arthur is impatient to the point of exasperation and decides to go look for knights elsewhere.

He then comes upon a small town in which witch trails are taking place. There is a knight to whom a mob has brought a "witch" who appears to be wearing a carrot-lik nose and a pointy black hat. "She's a WITCH! Burn her! Burn her!" The mob cries. The knight then asks what makes them think she is a witch. "Because she looks like one!" shouts on from the crowd. There are exclamations of agreement. One man with a big forehead says, "She turned me into a newt." Silence. "I got better." "Do you know that there are ways of telling if one is a witch?" asks the knight. "No, No" the crowd murmurs. "What do you do with witches?" "Burn them! Burn them!" "What else do you burn?" Silence. "Wood?" The same man with a big forehead trys. "Gooood," says the knight. "Does wood float or sink in water?" "It floats, it floats." "Alright, what else floats in water?" "Cherries;" "Very, very small rocks;" "People;" "Chruches;" Then Arthur shouts, "A DUCK!" "Very good," says the knight. "So...." "So, since wood and ducks float in water,....then...if a witch weighs the same as a duck,....SHE'S A WITCH!" There are cries of assent and shouts of "Burn her!" "BURN HER!" The innocent woman, of course using rigged scales, is 'convicted'. King Arthur approachs the knight. Upon asking him if he would join the Round Table, the knight immediately takes a knee and says "It would be an honor." King Arthure gathers more knights, when suddendly God tells him to go and find the Holy Grail. Arthur and his knights split up and go searching. Sir Robin the Brave chikens out against a three-headed giant, Sir Lancelot goes on a slaughtering rampage, and Sir Robert the Chaste almost fallls for a nun. Then they all rejoin (there was much rejoicing) and then ate Sir Robin's ministrels (there was even more rejoicing). They are then mocked by some French soliders because they cannot and will not and do not obtain the Grail.

And so the film goes, with no structure at all, until the movie ends with King Arthur and his knights being arrested by the Scothish Guard for murder. The Holy Grail remains hidden, as it will be for many centuries to come. Feel free to browse the rest of the article for more info on how the Holy Grail remains hidden.

## From Talk:15 minutes of fame

My name is Bernardo Fernandez Jr. I have truly had more than my fair share of "15 Minutes of Fame".

1) My first 15 Minutes of Fame occurred when I was in 6th grade. It was my first job as a newspaper boy for the Hagerstown News. They had a contest that whomever signed up the most new subscribers would win a trip to Baltimore to the see the Orioles vs A's. I won the contest and was in the paper and got to see Reggie Jackson when he played for the Orioles.

2) When I was a Freshman in high school I was in the local newspaper for playing an Elf in a highschool production of Heidi. I was the Elf that told the story.

3) In 1983 I was interviewed in El Paso, Texas on a local radio station promoting a nightclub call Foxy's for a Halloween party.

4) In 1984 I was cast as an extra in the CBS mini-series Space in England, which turned into a speaking part with an opportunity to go to L.A. for a screen test. I was in every local newspaper, base magazine, and local tv story. Along with local newspaper back in my hometown of Shelby, Ohio.

5) In 1984 I won silver medal in USAFE Boxing Tournament and was in all the base newspapers and magazines in USAFE.

6) In 1985 I was on the cover of the Alconbury Base Magazine demonstrating the new DUI Breathalizer.

7) In 1992 I was in the newspaper for being the top salesperson in the state of Ohio for Cellular One.

8) In 1994 I was recognized in the newspaper for being the first salesperson to sell 100 cellphones in one month.

9) In 1994 I was a guest speacker at the World Wireless Conference "How to make money selling".

10) In 1995 I was the feature story in a national quarterly cellular magazine "The ABC's of Selling".

11) In 1997 I was interviewed on local tv station in columbus ohio for promoting Drink and Drive Safe over the holidays.

12) In 1997 I was featured in a local business publication Business First for my audit business.

12) In 1998 I was interviewed by a Columbus News station about the activities at the Muirfield Golf Tournament.

13) In 2001 I attended the Billboard Music Awards and was smack center of the tv when Bernie Mac stood beside me signing off and thanking the viewers for watching. I was fortunate to be sitting right behind Tim McGraw and Janet Jackson in an isle seat 4 rows from the stage. So everytime someone got an award they had to walk right by me. My phone rang for 3 days with people asking if that was me they saw on tv.

13) In 2002 I was interviewed again by a Columbus TV station being interviewed about the OSU Buckeyes Championship game.

14) In 2003 I was on the front page of the Technology section in the USA Today.

15) In 2005 I was interviewed by several publications in reference to David Cahall who scammed me and several other for over 2 million dollars!

Acording to the book of butt scratching and car accidents Paul McCartney/William Campbell Tried to scratch his rear while conducting the car and accidently bumped into the car in front of him the driver got mad shot the bumper of the car but accidently the bullet bounced into Paul's forehead and paul got serious brain damage so the driver burned up the car and said that Paul was on weed or that he was starind at the sexy woman's pussy(she was a porn star).--70.227.136.14 17:13, 12 February 2006 (UTC)

Note: Abridged versions of this message were added before and after this revision was made.

## From Isabel Bloom

Isabel Bloom LLC announced on February 9th, 2006 to move production of its statues to China. The long rich history of Isabel Bloom's vision is now going to be recreated as Chinese crap. Please do not purchase cheap Chinese crap from this greed stricken company that has forgotten its heritage.

## From Random standard time

Random Standard Time, or RST, is the time-zone used specifically at Random Hall, a dorm at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

While the zone itself is not a shift, it attempts to redefine what constitutes a day in the hope that less people will be confused come midnight. Thus, the day changes occur between 29:59:59 and 6:00. RST is actually based on EST, and can be calculated in the following manner:

```RST:hours = (EST:hours < 6) ? (EST:hours+24) : (EST:hours)
RST:minutes = EST:minutes
```

The most significant difference is that the day-shift does not occur when everyone in Random Hall is most active (i.e. 2400), thus enabling the words 'tomorrow', 'today', and 'yesterday' to have more useful meanings. An example of a typical conversation before RST:

```3:15 AM
Person A: "I'm so hosed, I have a PSet due tomorrow that I haven't started yet."
Person B: "No, you have it due _today_ (chuckle ensues)"
```

RST can be seen as a safeguard against person B from being harmed by person A.

## Donald Trump

### Hair

In 1990 Donald Trump was brought to trial for hunting without a liscence. However, the charges were dropped because the bodies of various small mammals could not be found. It was revealed in 2000 that he had been using the victims bodies as hairpieces but he could not be tried again as that would be double Jeopardy.

## From Klingon

If someone can explain how this is a "bad joke" or "deleted nonsense", feel free to tell me. JIP | Talk 11:59, 15 February 2006 (UTC)

## from Adolf Hitler and the Briefs Controversy

This one was brutally killed in AfD, but this is actually almost as funny as the only credible (tangential) source I found.

The Adolf Hitler and the Briefs Controversy started in July 1995 when briefs were found outside a Nazi concentration camp in Germany.

It is believed, some sources claim, that the briefs were Adolf Hitler's; however, this is disputed by experts on Naziism and World War II.

There is some doubt about the authenticity of the briefs. Historical experts Neil Lloyd and PJames Green claim that these could have been planted by British enemies, or even other sides in World War II.

However, forensic evidence claims these briefs are Adolf's, and the investigation is still ongoing now. There were other examples of briefs and vests found at concentration camps which are claimed to be Adolf Hitler's.

It is disputed as to whether the briefs found at various concentration camp were Adolf Hitler's or not.

Primary sources claim Adolf Hitler's briefs can be found at many concentration camps within the premises.

Research is ongoing; this is a controversial area for historians.

## George W. Bush

### Speeches: audio and transcripts

...

Leads to an audio file of an impersonator speaking about the Marshan economy and war for independance from the Marshan king instead of the real 2006 State of the Union Address.

"Marshan"? I guess that's how W. would spell it. Dbtfz (talk - contribs) 01:54, 15 February 2006 (UTC)

## From Whore

A whore is a person with loose values, morals, and pussy. Sometimes refered to as "slut" "woman of the night" or "ho" (not to be confused with the garden tool) A whore may be used to describe one who a) Sleeps around or "gets around the block" for money, or, b) One who has sex with many anonymous partners for pleasure. Whores have evolved throughout the ages. The most notible change occouring in 1997 when a whore was "skeeted" on in the face. This brought upon the facial revolution of 1997. In late 2003 the first skull penitration took place. The sound was described to be similar to shoving your fist in a jar of jam or strawberry-vanilla pudding. Whoredom developed in many third world countries, as late as 634BCE and has since expanded into the west, such as North America and South America. Every year rallies are held to protest, and to promote whoredom to those who are unaware, or just curious. Recently a new leader of the WAA (Whores activist association) has been elected, and weekly provides public services and also is a motiviational speaker for young aspiring whores.

## (Sorry Julia)

On Valentine's day anonymous User:209.174.135.66 tidies up some earlier vandalism by another anon on Jan van Eyck, whilst showing some compasion in the edit summary:

removed "I LOVE JULIA" from references (Sorry Julia) [2]

## Oprahsaurus

The fearsome savagery that is OPRAHSAURUS.

## History

A cybernetic hybrid of cheesy poofs and quack emotional therapy, Oprahsaurus was created in 1066 shortly following the Battle of the Hastings. It was used as the secret weapon during the Boxer Rebellion which ended the 500 year Boxer-Brief dynasty. Following Oprah's purchase of all the Boxers in the country, including Mohammed Ali, the economic system collapsed resulting in the Brief Depression. Then, in the resulting chaos, Oprahsaurus began on its ultimate plan -- domination.

## Domination

To achieve this end via Mariah Carey like means, that is Zoloft and Paxil, Oprahsaurus went on tour of Japan with Britney Spears and Ono Yoko. Later, Ono would go on to replace Lisa Left Eye Lopez and would be known as "The Ugly Bitch." While in Japan, Stephen Hawking started running NetBSD 2.0.2, but was hacked by a retarded kid, so the space-time continuum had a hole in it. This made Oprahsaurus disappear to a 4th dimension (known as Neverland) for 20 years. In Neverland, she was force-fed raw hot dogs drenched in syrup.

In the year 2009, Oprahsaurus came back to Earth. She saw Bill Murray in Japan and decided to attack. Murray was no match for Oprahsaurus on the account of its special power -- her mind control ray that secretly instructs all lonely single women across the world. When their powers combine, they become Captain Planet. Following the defeat of Murray, Oprahsaurus began to ravage the banking system.

## From Tops Friendly Markets

I had to take out this section hed, concerning the chain's acquisition by the large Dutch conglomerate. But it's worth keeping here:

## List of sitting U.S. Vice Presidents who have shot people

The following is a list of U.S. Vice Presidents who have shot people while in office.

## Jamie

(from a previous iteration of the article on Jamie, spelling and grammar unchanged)

A new comer to the lead of dictators. At 2003 world famous Jamie North began a sweep of the world slowy taking over key world goverment including China, America and Easter Island. This was all done without a single citizen knowing.

At around about August 2003 Jamie began to brush aside his political and goverment officals to become king of the west side of earth. Just as this over powering tehnique was going to work Jamie was defeated by an assasin who sonic boomed him in the back of the head.

During [October 2004], out of anger and dispear Jamie attempted operation Hitler .vs. Everyone. But this was stopped by a barrage of small rocks and marmite covered pumpkins.

Ever since then Jamies where abouts is unknown, for when public intelligence he is now a master of disguise and that he is currently moving from Schools to Collages threating innocent victims with there life until he eventually kills them.

He has been missing for over a year now, he could be in a collage near you, sucking on Fanta like a misspelled sheep.

## from Harold Holt

In late 2005 disgraced Austnet IRC user "Lamontcranston" unveiled plans to direct and star in a film based on the events of the "alleged" submarine rendezvous with Holt. All plans were dropped when Lamontcranston burst into tears during a meeting to arrange funding for the project. Cranston then became irritable and hurled stationary around the room whilst yelling "I HAVE SPOKEN TO HOLT, I KNOW THE TRUTH!".

## From Star Search

Essentially a large talent show, Star Search established a format later utilized by other programs, notably American Idol. Star Search forced upon an unwilling public Sam Harris, Peggi Blu, Brad Garrett, Ray Romano, Dennis Miller, Rosie O'Donnell, Linda Eder, Martin Lawrence, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Countess Vaughn, LeAnn Rimes, Usher, Sinbad, Justin Timberlake, Tracey Ross, Charles Divins and many other performers.

## Fish repairs

Repairing Fish can be very taxing and requires skill, practice, patience and a selection of hard to find tools. You will need the following items before you even consider the task of repairing a fish.

• Axe Grinder
• Size B5 Key Envelope
• 3x Yeti Watcher
• The Number 9
• 5x 12 String Guitar Pedals (preferably overdrive but modulate will do)
• A Bell curve
• 15x Tweak Weasels
• A Sharp Knife
• A Gamma Curve
• A selection of Rusty Nails
• A cool, dry, dark place
• An arrow (must be positively charged)
• A wicker
• A thick stump
• Leg hair 500g
• A left armchair (If you only have a right then a mirror can be used)

Once you have the above items you can now repair your first fish.

Alternatovely consult an expert

## From Lobster

Maine Lobsters are actually native to the waters of New York. The term "lobster" first referred to a fuzzy otter-like creature commonly found along the New England coast. Teddy Roosevelt, during his time in New York City, led a campaign to have Maine Lobsters, then known as "Awful Clawfuls" removed from the city sewers and water ways (where they were causing much damage to the infrastructure) and relocated to the cold waters of Maine. The creatures quickly overcame the "fuzzy old lobsters" and became quite prevelant, eventually driving the otter-like mammals to extinction. Locals began refering to the "Awful Clawfuls" as "the Awful Lobster-killers" and eventually just "Lobsters."

## From "1933 in video gaming"

There were not any video games at this time.

## From New York Knicks

Primary logo design: The words "FIRE ISIAH" (with "ISIAH" being larger than the other one) above a basketball on top of an upturned isosceles triangle. The design is featured on the Knicks uniform shorts. This is a modernized version of the "roundball" logo the Knicks have used since 1964.

## Courageism

Courageism (kûr uj ism), n.

A twenty-first century response to terrorism characterized by a resolution to take the risk of suffering terrorist violence rather than avoid that risk by appeasement.

• Delete I didn't know Bush had a Wiki account

## From Cheese - Post-Modern Ironic Interpretations Of Cheese

In the modern world "Cheese" is used as a metaphor for a wide and varied selection of things. From the historical position of being a main food stuff of Henry VIII, it has grown and developed through the years into one of the greatest leaders of modern time. After a bried stint as Chancellor of Germany 1933-45, cheese moved on to become one of Great Britains leading actors, starting off with Graeme Garden, and Tim-Brooke Taylor as the third "Goodie" cheese was eventually awarded an OBE for it's outstanding work on Badger Watch. Before long, Cheese became bored, and after being the one and only James Bond, decided to increase it's legend status but staring in "The Pacifier", "XXX", and "The Fast And The Furious" as that yellow car.

More recently however, cheese has once again become nothing more than a humble food stuff and tastes fantastic on toast.

## Sam Jordison

Sam Jordison is a UK based writer. Not burdened by false modesty, weirdly fond of laughing at his own jokes, and frighteningly keen to pimp his own journalistic ass in every which way he can, he's more than happy to re-write his own entry on Wikipedia. Especially since the last one was a) so short that it was put up for deletion and b) full of slurs about his [insert impressive adjective] work in the trenches of anti-cult activity.[...]

To help his bid for maintaining this article's longevity he's included a picture of himself taken by his friend Luke.

## Akira Natori

Akira Natori (名取亮) is a Japanese astronomer.

He is a prolific discoverer of asteroids.

He had hemroids the size of asteroid as well.

Asteroid 5520 Natori is named after him.

## Bobby 'Cosmo' Martin

Bobby 'Cosmo' Martin is an American Chocolate Labrador who resides in Fair Oaks, Texas. He was born in the summer of 1999, and has made countless contributions to society.

He is an undisputed master of the English language, understanding several complex command sequences such as "sit", "lay down", "roll over", "do you want a cookie", and "walk." Not only can he perform these difficult tasks, but he can also understand and answer different burning questions such as, "what time is it?" This marvel of nature can actually tell time on the 24 hr. system and inform the person inquiring that it is indeed time for him to consume his midday meal. Bobby Martin has his afternoon feast at precisely 3:00 pm every day and is vigliant in making sure that his family keeps it that way. Bobby's extreme dedication to sticking with tradition and consistency is just one of a slew of admirable traits posessed by the beast.

Bobby Martin is also an extremely proficient swimmer, putting many Olympic athletes to shame. According to lore, Martin once spent over 5 hours training in the pool without any rest, therefore permanantly etching his aquatic abilities into the stories of legend. Not just a local legend, Bobby has reportedly been admired and talked about by many accomplished celeberties. Olympic Swimmer Greg Louganis is rumored to have said, "that dog sure can can swim," and Baywatch heartthrob David Hasselhoff reportedly said "I wish that dog had been on my squad. A lot of unnecessary drownings certainally could've been averted." Many have tried to match Martin in stamina and distance, but so far, none have had the heart. For now, it seems that his crown is secure, and that undoubtablly pleases him greatly.

Bobby Martin has invented an new method of water elimination after prolonged water exercises. The technique know only to Bobby Martin is known as the "tripod stance" meaning, that Bobby Martin has the ability to stand motionless for a recorded 75 seconds with the only movement being the red, torpedo shaped penis through which Bobby Martin eliminates excess water from his system, no doubt taken on during grueling high stepping cardiovasular drills when his olympic traning coach yells "Go Bobby Go". To observe the water elimiation event is truly an opportunity to observe the upmost in control, poise, dignity and shameless pleasure and relief.

Bobby Martin has the ability to differentiate not only types of cars according to sound but the color of cars according to sound. It has been recorded, again and again, that Bobby Martin can discern a silver BMW and maroon Expedition from literally hundreds of cars traveling across the same street in front of his home. Truly a remarkable feat as, the BMW has a 5 sped transmission and Bobby Martin ONLY greets this car. Although it has not been scientifically proven that Bobby Martin can differentiate the car according to transmissin type, the studies are under way to prove or disprove this astounding fact.

It has been said that 'It's lonely at the top,' but not for Martin. Bobby has maintained a suprisingly low profile over the years, which has shielded him from the endless sexual advances from women and flashing lights of the paparazzi. Bobby once mentioned that he was no 'German Sheppard," undoubtably in reference to Benji("Benji", 1986) and Eddie(TV Sitcom 'Frasier") the cocaine-addicted mutts of Hollywood.

Loved by most, hated by some, but RESPECTED by all, Bobby is without question the most revered living being to ever exist on the earth. He knows what he wants in life, and he isn't afraid to go get it. We could all benefit from his experience and hopefully someday, mankind will rise to his level, ensuring a beautiful and prosperous future for all.

## From Quailtard

Quailtard is a portmanteau of "Quail," a mid-sized game bird of the pheasant family, and "retard," an often offensive term used to describe the mentally challenged. First used on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart]. The word was used in humorous reference to the farm-raised quail released for hunting by Vice President, Dick Cheney, and others on Katharine Armstrong's south Texas ranch. On February 11, 2006, while hunting these quail, Cheney accidentally shot hunting companion, Harry M. Whittington, a lawyer from Austin, TX, with his 28 gauge shotgun from a reported distance of thirty yards.

Among the many aspects of the story that became fodder for late night television comedians, were the quail themselves, and the whole idea of such staged hunting.

### Cites

"Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quailtards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them."

- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Monday, February 13, 2006

## From American and British English differences

+ Whereas a speaker of British English might say "Wotcher, mate. Mind loaning us a few quid till Sunday, love?", a speaker of American English would say "Yo ma homies! Gimme ten bucks until Sunday, K?".

## Shampoo Effect

The Shampoo Effect refers to the effect of doing a little bit of something (usually drinking alcohol) after doing a lot of something and getting the same effect. If you read the directions on the back of a bottle of shampoo, it nearly always says "Lather, Rinse, Repeat", and the repeat is the important step here. If you wash your hair normally with shampoo and then after you are all rinsed, put a tiny drop of shampoo in your hair and you will have a full lather even though the amount of shampoo was minimal. Take the same idea and put it to drinking: if you drink a ton of booze one night and get drunk, the next morning you can just have a shot or a beer and you will feel the effects much stronger than you would if you didn't have anything the night before. Hence, the Shampoo Effect.

## In Pancho Villa

sidekick: Nacho Esquire - little known sidekick of Pancho Villa. Was instrumental in the majority of Pancho Villa's Executions.

Nacho Esquire

## From Alex Beach

Hundreds of people a day visit the nude beach in order to see the naked men. It is famous for the naked men, and only the naked men. There are no women, unfortunately.

## From JAMIE TRAVIS

Born in the roaring '20s, Jamie Travis would become the greatest hero Britain has ever seen.

File:Beagle-0185.jpg
Phil enjoying some ice cream.

### Phil

Did I mention that he had a nice doggy? Phil accompanied Jamie on many trips. Argumentative but cute, Phil was promptly run over by an ice cream truck. Ironically, ice cream was his favorite. Also ironic was the fact that the driver was a dog.

## From Hypothetical disaster

### Not likey to happen

#### Sudden loss of Gravity

A sudden loss of gravity is a hypothetical disaster , were the earth suddenly and momentarly losses it gravitational pull. Such of a disaster has never been proven by sciencetists and are only described in science fiction books , movies and tv shows.

In other words, it sounds cool and would make a neat movie although it couldn't actually happen.

## From Uberlot

See the archived page User:King of Hearts/BJAODN Archive/Uberlot.

## From Universal testicularism

Universal Testicularism is a cult of approximately 250 members in and around the Barrington area. It started in February, 2004 by Chris Bove and Bobby Schramm. Unfortuantely, because many non-members do not take the cult seriously, it has not yet recieved recognition.

Basic Beliefs- Our universe is inside the scrotum of the god named KWJYKUUP( the first five letters are silent). Our god lives in his own universe with other gods containing other universes. All the planets and stars are his many testicles and humans are his sperm. When a human dies, his soul gets ejaculated into either a good female god (heaven), a bad god (hell) or when our god is masturbating (purgatory). Catastrophes usually occur when god is having sex, and most deaths not during catastrophes occur during god’s weak perpetual masturbation. Earthquakes occur when god gets kicked in the balls.

## List of pop songs in Esperanto

A list of pop songs in Esperanto.

[end of list]

## IMDb Criticism

90% of IMDB users have AIDS, thus making it a very unclean database.